What do you think about the idea that what we do depends upon how we feel about what we know?
Hi, I'm J. D. Taylor. I'm the Principal Consultant and Coach at Crucial Transformations and the author of Taylored Tips.
In our previous Taylored Tips, we've talked about the idea that a lot of our conflict, a lot of our contention, a lot of the lack of harmony that we have in our lives is because of our inability to speak up courageously and yet compassionately, candidly but with consideration. And we've suggested that the alternative that we sometimes fall into on our communication continuum is that we get a little bit more attacking in our approach, we get more hostile and more aggressive, or we avoid, we shut down, we withdraw, we withhold or we delay. And we've talked about the price that we pay economically and emotionally when we live at those ends of the communication continuum.
What I'd like to talk about today is how we can find an alternative path and I'd like to introduce you to a concept that we call, that I call, the talking track. You can see that there are four main steps along our path on the talking track. The first one is, what we call: our observation. These are the things that we see, the things that we hear people saying and doing throughout our day. We read an email, we overhear a conversation, we watch something on the news, we listen to a podcast. All of this data that we’re gathering as human beings, we have to try and figure out how to process. “What does it mean to me? Is it good or bad? Does it help or hurt?” This is called the friend or foe assessment and we're doing it continually without even being consciously aware of it, with all of the information that we observe. Based on our assessment, we then form a conclusion. We decide, “Oh, I think this person is negative” or “I think this person is controlling” or “I think this puts me in jeopardy. I feel scared. I feel apprehensive. I feel anxious.” And based on the conclusion that we draw, we then start to generate and create all of our emotions. All of our emotions are driven by the conclusions, the narrative, the opinion, the perception that we draw. And the reason that this is important is because then based on how we feel, we then act. Those two things are inextricably linked. Where one goes, the other will follow. You know all of your friends on social media who are saying they are feeling “triggered” right now? They’re describing the talking track. They observe something; somebody said something or did something. They immediately formed an opinion about it. Good or bad, that opinion, that narrative, that conclusion then informed the way they feel. And based on how they feel, they are then acting. So the key is, if we're going to change any behavior in our life, but we’re here talking about how we’re going to get rid of conflict and contention, we're going to have to change the way we feel about it. And in order to change the way we feel about it, we're going to have to change the narrative, the conclusion that we've drawn. And in order to be able to do that, we're going to have to be able to separate it from our observation, what we really saw and heard.
Let me walk you through an example of how quickly we go through the talking track and the price we pay when we get our conclusion wrong by taking you with me nearly 30 years ago to a late November day. I'm a college football fan, I'm going to tell you a story about one of my days at the stadium, but it's not a sports story. If you disengage when you hear motivational speakers telling sports stories, this isn’t a sports story, no reason to disengage. It had snowed the Friday night before, the stadium had been blanketed with snow, but Saturday morning it's a glorious day. The sun's out, the sky's bright and blue, the air is crisp and clean, it's 40° f. I'm excited for this game. I'm walking down the stairs to the row I sit. I've sat there for a number of years, I know it well and I can see that someone is already there. They’re hunched over, they’re bundled up in their winter gear and they seem to have some contraption in their hand that they’re working with. They’re scooping, working with the snow and removing it from the seats next to mine and they're taking the excess snow and piling it on my seat. I know my seat well, I'm counting it off, “Hey wait that’s my seat with all that snow on it!”. That’s my observation. Immediately, I form a conclusion. “Who does this person think they are? What are they trying to do? They’re trying to make their situation more comfortable at my expense. Those aren’t my favorite type of people!” If that’s the conclusion I draw, there is only one set of emotions or feelings that that interpretation is going to generate. I’m going to start feeling taken advantage of, combative, argumentative, confrontational, upset. And if that's the way I am feeling when I step into the row and tap the person on the shoulder and they stand up, it is an inevitable. It has already been decided what I'm going to say or doing next. And I’m not very proud to report it, but I'll tell you, I launched into this angry rant, “Who do you think you are? What do you think you’re doing? How did you think you could get away with this? Don’t you know who I am?” I get it that that’s mortifying behavior for most of the people on the planet and its indefensible. Its inexcusable, I know that. I’m in the middle of this angry attack when out of the corner of my eye I see someone walking across the row towards us. It’s my colleague from work, Peter. Peter had done a phenomenal thing that week at work and to reward and recognize that, I’d given Peter tickets to the game. I’m thinking, “This is great, by the time Peter gets here, between the two of us, we ought to be able to destroy this guy.” Right as Peter walks up to us, looks at me, points to the guy and says, “So J. D., have you met my Dad?” (pause) “Well, yeah.” I'm right in the middle of “who do you think you are?” with Peter's Dad. And Peter and his Dad were so excited to get invited to this game and get to sit next to the boss, that they’d come extra early. They’d brought some contraction with them so that they could clear the snow off all of our seats. I’m interrupting Peter’s Dad before he’s finished. Peter’s standing there with his arms laden with food so that we could sit there together and have this terrific time at the game. As you can imagine, that was the longest football game of my life. And I’m still sad to report that even in that moment, I didn’t apologize and try and restore emotional and psychological safety to the conversation because of the disrespect that I had shown Peter and his dad. Maybe you do this same thing, I just thought I could talk my way out of the situation I had behaved my way into. So I just started talking, incessantly, I never stopped; for three hours, I talked. Because now everything is fine, we’re friends, we’re getting along, there’s no awkward silence, “See this is great, everything is good.” If I stop talking it was only to try and buy my way out of it. “Hey, I'm going back up to the top, the rest of the food is on me today. What else do you need to drink? What else do you want to eat? You need more peanuts or churros? What do you need, I’m buying.” It took me years to rebuild, to restore, to revitalize, to repair the relationship I ruined that day (snap) that fast as I walked down the stairs to my seat.
Peter and I managed to work together for another four or five years, it was just never quite the same and when Peter left the organization he destroyed me, rightfully so, justifiably, in his exit interview. Then I had to explain myself to HR, my reputation with my friends in the C-suite was damaged. Here's what I want you to think about. Just a couple of years ago I was back up on campus, this time for a basketball game. It was halftime, I was hungry, I was going to go get something to eat. I stepped out of the portal where I sit. Looking to either side to decide which way to go and as I turned to the right, out of the next portal down, stepped Peter. At this point I haven't seen Peter for over 25 years. And in a moment when what I really would have liked to have been able to do was call out his name and get his attention and greet him, find out where he was working, how's his family, how’s his dad? Instead, I had this overwhelming feeling to just escape, to run away and so I fled. I ran back to my seat. I planted myself in my seat and I was the last person to leave the arena that day. I waited until everybody had left before I got out of my seat and walked out, cause I didn't want to chance bumping into Peter. This is 30 years later, paying the price for the conclusion, the narrative, the interpretation, the opinion, the story that I created that day in my mind while I walked down the stairs to my seat.
So here's the Taylored Tip: If you want to change your behavior, you're going to have to change the way you feel. And if you're going to change the way you feel, you're going to have to change the conclusion that you've drawn based on what it is that we observed, what we saw and heard. And we will never be able to change that narrative unless we can actually separate it from what it was that we saw and heard.
So remember, what we do depends upon how we feel about what we know. There are so many aspects to this fascinating concept and I’d like to talk about them in future Taylored Tips; ways that we can avoid, that you can avoid making the terrible mistake that I made that snowy day with Peter.
I hope this Taylored Tip will help you leave conflict behind. Good luck!
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