Have you ever wondered why some conversations are just so hard?
Hi, I'm J. D. Taylor. I'm the Principal Consultant and Coach at Crucial Transformations, and the author of Taylored Tips.
I just got back from my morning run and I was thinking the same thing, "Why is this so hard?" And our conversations can be like that. All conversations are not created equally. There are some conversations that are really easy. Our casual conversations. Who won the game? Where are we going for lunch? What are you doing this weekend? There are other conversations that aren't that easy.
These conversations have three elements to them. These critical, difficult, risky, crucial conversations. The first one is that the stakes are high. There's a lot on the line. There's a lot of risk. What we're talking about matters, it's important. The second one is because it matters so much oftentimes our emotions get involved and engaged, they're high emotions in these conversations. And the third element of these conversations is there is usually a difference of opinion. The other person doesn't see it the same way as us, we're not on the same page. These conversations have a disproportionate impact on our relationships - the strength of our relationships with our friends, our family members, people at work; on the results - the things that matter the most to us; and on our reputations - the way we feel about ourselves and the way that we're seen by others.
Let me give you an example. I was working with the CEO of one of the fastest growing private companies in the United States. People HATED working for this guy. That's the right word, hated. Because of that his attrition, his turnover was unmanageable and he needed help so he called us in. We started interviewing the people that worked at the organization. We asked them a simple question: "What's it like to work here?", we said. And to a person we got a uniform answer, "I love the people that I work with, I love the nature of our work. It's compelling, it's engaging, I feel like we're making a difference in the world, I have all the tools, and the resources, the facilities that I need." "So what gives?", we asked. And they said, "Well, every once in a while the CEO gets a little weird." Sensing our confusion they continued, "For example, last month, an important reporting period for us, a lot on the line, we're supposed to be at work at 8 o'clock. If you came into work that day after 8 o'clock, the CEO was in the lobby hovering, lurking, yelling at people, screaming at people as they came in 'You know what you're stealing from me right now!'". We were mortified. We continued interviewing people in the organization. We had a group of people that told us about a colleague of theirs that had made an important presentation to key members of the Executive Committee. They said she was brilliant. No mistakes in her slides, sound reasoning, handled all the questions deftly, and at the end of her 90-minute presentation the CEO shot his hand in the air and in front of all the important people in the room he looked at her and said, "Is that all they taught you in college?". We couldn't believe it. So we went back to see the CEO. He said, "See, what did you find? Doesn't make any sense does it?" We said, "Well, let's just play a little word association game with you here, see if you ever remember saying or doing any of these things?". And we started at the top of our list, "You know what, you're stealing from me right now!" And as you can imagine, he got embarrassed and put his head in his hands and couldn't look us in the eyes. We continued our way down the list. We finished with, "Is that all they taught you in college?". Now there's this awkward silence in the room, we want to see what happens next. And to our great shock and surprise, the CEO's head shot up out of his hands, there was this brightness in his eyes and he looked at us in all seriousness and said, "Yeah but you know what, I get it right 95% of the time!"
Here's the Taylored Tip: it doesn't matter what we do in the 95% of the time when we get it right. What has a disproportionate impact on our relationships, our results and our reputations is what we do in that 5% of the time when we get it wrong. And in that 5% of the time when we get it wrong, we pay an incredibly high price. We pay a price economically - there's spin, there's churn, there's slow down, there's destruction, there's lowest common denominator thinking. We also pay a price emotionally - we ruminate on these issues, they own a piece of us, they rob us of the peace, and the balance, and the serenity, and the joy that we deserve in our lives.
So remember, all conversations are not created equally.
I hope this Taylored Tip will help you leave conflict behind. Good luck!
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