Have you ever felt trapped in a conversation?
Hi, I'm J. D. Taylor. I'm the Principal Consultant and Coach at Crucial Transformations and the author of Taylored Tips.
I've worked with a lot of people who say, "I just hate conflict. I avoid it all costs." I've talked to other people and worked with them who say, "I have a lot of regret and remorse for the way I've handled some of the important conversations in my life."
Last summer, this feral cat wandered into our backyard and started destroying the bird watching peace of the birds that l like to feed and track and follow. Since it was terrorizing the birds and destroying my happiness, I decided to put out a cage so that I could get the cat in the cage, take it to Animal Control, they could rehabilitate it, it could adopted by a loving family. The next morning I opened my blinds, it was still dark outside and I could see that there was something in the cage. As I approached the cage and got close to it with my face, out of one of the wire mesh squares reached this scrawny little arm with these sharp claws at the end of it and it took a swipe at my face. I recoiled quickly enough that it didn’t scratch me, but as my eyes came back into focus, I realized what I had in the cage was NOT the feral cat but the neighborhood raccoon and this raccoon was fighting mad! It was hissing, it was scratching, it was clawing, it was growling. It was running around the cage trying to fight its way out. And oftentimes, when we feel trapped in a conversation, we have the same primal response. We figure the only way out is to take a swipe at the other person. We get aggressive, attacking, coercive, manipulative and imposing in our approach and these behaviors represent one extreme end of the continuum upon which all communication resides. Later in the day, to make sure the raccoon was doing okay while I was waiting for the Animal Control Officer to arrive to take it up into the mountains and release it so it could be reunited happily with it's family, I took some peanuts to put in the cage but I thought it was dead. It's rolled into this ball, I can't tell if it's breathing. I shook the cage, it opened an eye and gave me this evil glance. And that's the other thing, that's the other primal response that we sometimes have when we feel trapped in a conversation. We just roll into a ball and play dead. We withdraw, we withhold, we avoid, we delay; and these behaviors represent the other end of the communication continuum.
Here's the Taylored Tip: the more time we spend attacking and avoiding, the worse our results, our relationships and our reputations are going to be. So next time you find yourself trapped in a conversation, avoid the primal response to go to attack mode or to walk away and avoid the conversation. Instead, just raise your hand and with courage and compassion say, "Can I check something out with you?" With candor and kindness say, "Hey, I see that a little bit differently. Can we talk about it?" With confidence and consideration say, "I'm wondering how other people feel about that. Let's talk."
Remember, the more time we spend attacking and avoiding, the worse our relationships and results and reputations are going to be.
I hope this Taylored Tip will help you leave conflict behind. Good luck!
If you’d like help with your unresolved conflict, please reach out using my contact information shown on the screen. And if you enjoyed this Taylored Tip, please share it with your family members and friends. Give it a thumbs up! Subscribe if you'd like to hear more Taylored Tips and if you need a Taylored Tip customized just for you, leave that request in the comments.
